/Slap/ : urban slang for something that is reaaaalyy good! music, food etc.
Category : Fun
Lol before I proceed , I want you to know I am chuckling to myself thinking of all the various reasons why you clicked on this post :P Got eeeem!
Now before you get your knickers in a twist, I want you to know I love and have healthy relationships with most of the men in my life and the statement still stands.
This writeup is for women, particularly women raised in the African context. Many of us were raised to aspire to marriage, to aspire to motherhood, to aspire to the honor of being chosen. All you have to do is look around you and see that social constructs espouse those ideals and it increases your social currency. So even if you were raised differently, you absorb the ideals of your environment.
Note:
Marriage increases social currency for men too although not to the same degree and never more than having wealth. i.e. a rich single man > poor married man socially.
Right, so let us start with an analogy-
Child A and Child B are next door neighbors-
Child A’s parents tell her, the best thing she can do is be friends with Child B.
Child B’s parents tell him, the best thing he can do is have many toys because if he does, all the children in the estate will want to play with him.
And that differing advice is reinforced to both children consistently.
So Child A sets out to become Child B’s friend, do all the things, to achieve that. Child B sets out to acquire many toys, do all the things to achieve that.
Child A finally becomes friends with Child B. Her efforts got her “the prize ”. Child B sees/thinks that his toys got him the attention of Child A and of many other children in the estate, to Child B, the toys are the prize.
…..are you getting it yet? lets continue
Child A is conditioned / incentivized to acquire, maintain and keep her friendship with Child B because that is the best thing to do. Child B is is conditioned / incentivized to acquire, maintain and keep his toys because that is the best thing to do.
For both children, the drivers are quite different!
Now lets bring that home;
Child A is a woman, she has been told her prize is a man. Child B is a man, he has been told his prize is wealth/ financial security. Both men and women continue to do everything they can to acquire their prize.
For women its everything from being emotionally intelligent, available, nurturing, ticking certain domestic boxes etc. For men it is the hustle, the grind because ‘money answereth unto all things’ and they see that in action because women truly flock to you when you are wealthy. Its true.
So both parties are grafting and learning quite different skills BUT not in ways that complement each other relationally.
So when a man and woman get into a relationship, there is a consistent disconnect in what a woman is willing to do to maintain the relationship and what a man is willing to do.
Yet you will see that same man apply such dedication and consistency to his job, business and other financial goals. So you know that they have the capacity to be consistent and dedicated to something…they just don’t seem to apply that skill to learning how to do it- for you. WHY?
A man would typically see his efforts towards acquiring wealth as a clear indicator of doing the right thing without paying too much attention to other relational and emotional needs — Cue “ when I make this money are you not going to benefit etc. etc.” comments.
A woman would typically see her efforts towards maintaining the relationship as the right thing and be completely puzzled as to why her man isn't doing the same when its the best thing to do - Cue “ you aren’t consistent, you aren’t doing the things you did at the start, you don’t care about my emotional needs, its not always about money ”.
Newsflash lady! He hasn’t been told the best thing to do is to maintain his relationship with you and be your best friend. He has been told the best thing to do is to make that monaayyy and everyone including you will be his best friend.
So the disconnect continues and the tug of war continues and some decide its unsustainable and end the relationship, only to find the next man doing the same thing and the next man…and the next man.. Some stay and decide, that is their lot and its better to have a man especially a man with money than not have a man at all (social currency).
This dynamic becomes more challenging for women who earn equal to or out-earn men. There is now no excuse for why the man doesn’t know how to do both the money-chasing and relational piece because she is doing both pretty well.
Newsflash again lady! — He was never taught that the latter was important the way you have been from childhood and he has spent many years thinking that way — old dogs, new tricks etc.
Note:
There is a small subset of men who recognize this relational gap on their side though and do the work to try to bridge it, it is incredibly difficult and will almost never fully be bridged but I applaud them for recognizing and trying. Those are the men to look out for ladies!
So why do I say Men Don’t Slap Like That? Apart from click baiting you !:P
I say it to women. I say it to you because it is important for you at the first instance to “de-prize” men to avoid being surprised/disappointed/pained that they do not consistently reciprocate that to you. So it is important to approach relationships with a level playing field. I used to think they just did it to be wicked or inconsiderate!
Also I am not talking about toxic relationships, because this happens in healthy relationships too.
( and honestly if you ask me… the prize IS money for both parties lets be realistic, money gets rid of much nonsense, money saves you time and frees you up to do things you actually want to do etc.)
Ask your friends who are with amazing, caring, emotionally intelligent men whether they still feel there is a disconnect at times. I’d love your response in my comments!
Now the reason I don’t need to tell men to de-prize women or say “ women don’t slap like that” is because that's a lie — We really do! haha.
On a more serious note, it is pretty obvious why — Men were never raised to consider us the prize we are just part of the perks that come with their prize. *visualize scales * So you can’t de-prize what you didn’t prize! ..say that fast 5 times haha!
FINAL POINT
Care, consideration, consistency , emotional intelligence , understanding etc. is needed for healthy relationships to thrive so this is not an invitation for you to settle for less saying “Ah they are just wired differently”. You absolutely should never settle where your fundamental requirements are concerned.
It is an invitation to;
- Vet where your desires for a man come from and how much you are willing to do/accept.
- Understand the differences in perceived value and hopefully stop finding the relational limitations so jarring (note to self!)
- Understand that the most hurt comes when you give so much and its not reciprocated. How about don’t give so much then? Level the playing field and match energies — because many of them will truly turn around and say they didn't ask you to! Relazz baybeeey
The End!
// P.s Now, as a woman, it is very possible for you to experience a reality that is quite different from the majority and as a man it is very possible that you don’t have this mindset or have done the work to come out of it — I have already clapped for you — so this this is not a invitation to chime in disingenuously with your own singular experiences and say nah this isn't a thing because “ I”…
//P.p.s if you enjoyed this read , I’d love if you click the clap button!
